By Kathy D., Calgary Silver Linings Foundation volunteer
I cringe inwardly as the next selfie is set up. I have a love/hate relationship with the selfie. I’m an amateur photographer and enjoy being behind the lens. Being the subject of the photograph? Not so much.
The photo is taken and I examine it closely. I enlarge it and my self-criticism kicks in. How old, tired, fat, wrinkly, pale, do I look? Is my smile sincere or do I look as worn out, and worn down, as I feel? A recent family photo caught me off guard at Easter dinner; my expression shows me mid-chew (Is that what I look like when I eat? “Yikes”, I think to myself). Unfortunately, it wasn’t my phone that took that picture, therefore deleting it isn’t an option.
It’s not just photos that trigger my insecurities. Mirrors too. ANd not all mirrors portray the same “me”. Do I look fat? Thin? Who am I? What do I really look like? The body distortion I impose on my mirrored image turns the reflected me into a “funhouse mirror” likeness of myself.
“You’re as ugly as a mud fence on a rainy day,” my foster father bellowed to me across the kitchen of the foster home from hell I was living in. Body shame can take many forms and triggers. I wonder how much that statement set me up for the way I’ve thought of - and, at times, treated - my body ever since.
Not loving my body means I’m my own harshest critic and examine my body and face, noting how the flaws, the bloat, the pain, the fatigue, and how poorly I think I am aging, are etched across my face. A shame spiral can ensue where I beat myself up for my perceived flaws. I don’t like to look at my body. And I don’t like anyone else to look at it, either. Change rooms in swimming pools are a total source of angst and if there’s not a private area to lock myself away in to change, forget it.
I eat. I’ve been in recovery for years now. Yet, remnants of disordered eating can still darken my mind from time to time.
The statements “I am imperfect” and “I am enough” became my mantra during my shame spiral.
“I am imperfect.”
“I am enough.”
“I AM IMPERFECT. I AM ENOUGH.” As if by shouting the phrase out, it will burn into my psyche and heart and miraculously end the body shame.
I’m still on an ongoing journey to love the way I look. My body has proved very resilient over the years- Despite everything, I’m still here. Like a Timex watch, I’ve “taken a licking and kept on ticking.” And that’s a positive take away; I’m still here, and there’s still a chance to love myself. Every new day is an opportunity to give myself a permission slip to love me.
If you’ve identified with anything in this post, there is hope. Click here to access a list of our current support groups. These groups are safe spaces to feel seen and understood in your experience.