Staying on Track in Recovery When It Feels as if the World Is Falling Apart

Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings blogger

These days, it feels like the news is a constant cycle of negativity. The grief and struggle in the world right now is palpable: The ongoing pandemic, the horrifying discovery at former residential schools, racial inequality, massive heat waves across western North America…

It’s a lot to take in and especially difficult for those experiencing their own struggles in the midst of a world that, at times, feels almost broken.

For me, eating disorder behaviours were once an escape from the chaos I felt surrounded by. Amidst the anxiety of what felt like an out of control world, my eating disorder was a portal to manage the two things I felt I could: My body and food. 

Even after four years of sustained recovery, when life begins to feel out of control the old urges to focus on my weight and shape try to pop back up. 

Now, rather than acting on these thoughts, they remind me that what I’m really craving is a sense of comfort, security and order. Here are some ways that help me feel grounded and less prone to defaulting to old coping mechanisms when life feels a little too much:

1. Find genuine sources of comfort

To me, food used to serve as both a source of comfort and distress. I would numb myself with food and exercise, falsely believing that this provided me with security. In recovery, I have had to find healthy sources of comfort to replace these unhealthy coping patterns. I encourage you to take some time to reflect on what this could look like for you. It could be something such as taking a bath, spending time with a pet, curling up in your favourite cozy clothes and watching a movie you’ve seen a thousand times. It’s important to identify which healthy practises feel safe and comfortable to you, and remembering to access them when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

2.  Focus on what’s going right

Often, when we’re caught in a cycle of fear or anxiety, it can feel like everything is going

wrong. Make a practice of taking a couple of minutes each evening to review everything that went right during the day! These could be small things like talking to a friend, doing a couple hours of work/studying, or completing your grocery shopping. Review your day and think of five things that you’re grateful for. Oftentimes, focusing on the little things, even as small as having warm water for a shower, helps bring us back to the moment and can lessen feelings of overwhelm. 

3. Get outside!

I can’t stress enough how important nature has been throughout my recovery. Nature, to me, is the ultimate tool to ground myself. Witnessing a breathtaking sunset, squirrels playing on the power lines, or the feeling of the wind ruffling my hair reminds me of the things that are going right in the world. Seeing the beautiful mist rising over the little pond behind my house while I was walking before work the other morning was enough to give me a sense of serenity and peacefulness, despite all the negative news we’ve been inundated with recently. 

It’s important to remember that your number one priority amidst the ups and downs of life is your own health and recovery. Like they say in airplane safety briefings before take-off: You must put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. 

Take a moment for you today, away from the noise of the world, to prioritise your health and well-being ☺︎.

“I Know What You’re Going Through”: Peer Mentor Support in Eating Disorder Recovery

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings Blogger 

Having an eating disorder can be lonely.

When recovery feels most challenging, it’s important to feel supported. Forms of support may come from our therapists, family members and friends…

However, despite these amazing support systems, recovery might call for someone who truly gets it. 

There are few connections more mutually healing than those of shared life-experience. It is for this reason that peer mentor support in eating disorder (ED) recovery is so incredibly effective.

An ED peer mentor is: 

 ❥ A carefully trained volunteer with lived-experience

 ❥ An ally

 ❥ A recovery cheerleader

 ❥ A listening ear

 ❥ An understanding support system

 ❥ A friend 

 ❥ Living proof that recovery from an eating disorder is possible!

An ED peer mentor will:

 ❥ Receive thorough training and be supervised in their mentorship by an ED therapist

 ❥ Communicate with mentees (individuals being mentored) on a weekly basis through text, email, video and phone calls (depending on communication preferences established)

 ❥ Create a safe space for their mentees to be heard 

 ❥ Provide empathy and understanding, free of judgement 

 ❥ Act as a “recovery buddy” to mentees

 ❥ Provide support to mentees between therapy sessions

 ❥ Answer mentee’s questions from the “other side” of recovery, providing hope that recovery from an eating disorder is possible

How is the role of a peer mentor different from the role of a therapist?: 

 Think of ED recovery like a forest- A therapist guides the mentee to navigate the path of recovery, the mentee walks the path and the peer mentor walks alongside, providing encouragement and connection along the way. 

A peer mentor says:

 “I’ve been here before. I’ve walked in your shoes and I remember what it’s like. You’re not alone in this. Furthermore, you can get through it...because I did. I’m walking this path alongside you. You can do this.” 

Have you recovered from an eating disorder? Does becoming a peer mentor interest you? 

Silver Linings Foundation is currently accepting applications for our premier Peer Mentor Support Team. Please apply here.

Are you currently in recovery and interested in working with a mentor? Reach out to us and let us know! In the meantime, hold tight. Our soon-to-be Peer Mentor Team is so excited to support you.

A Playlist for Eating Disorder Recovery

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings Blogger

If eating disorder recovery was an island and I was forced to choose only one thing to bring with me, I would choose music.  

I believe that music is a source of healing... Music, to me, is connection. 

My Eating Disorder Recovery Playlist is a collection of songs that have helped me through my darkest days and speaks to all stages of the recovery process. 

Listen to this playlist when you feel defeated, lonely, tired, proud, frustrated, scared, joyful, overcome, hopeful, angry, excited, daunted, triumphant and everything else in between. 

Hunger- Florence and the Machine

Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine draws from her own lived experience with an ED, conveying overarching themes of coping and control through this song’s philosophical lyrics. 

Back In My Body- Maggie Rogers

A grounded, celebratory song filled with relief and self awareness. 

Fear & Loathing- MARINA

A “light is coming through the window and I will pick myself up off the floor” kind of track by the queen of honest pop, Marina Diamandis. 

All is Full of Love- Björk

I’ve cried in the darkness of my bedroom often to this song. Bjork has succeeded in composing the lyrical equivalent of a weighted blanket. 

Easier- CamelPhat (feat. Lowes)

A song that empathizes with the drudgery and complexity of leaving unhealthy behaviors behind. 

Stars & Moons- Dizzy

The whimsical Ontario band, Dizzy, delivers this delicate song like a gentle and understanding friend. 

Don’t Stop- Fleetwood Mac

Not only a classic, but an upbeat reminder of better days ahead. 

Dog Days Are Over- Florence and The Machine

My most frequently played song of the past 15 years. This is a track to really flail around to. Release whatever needs to be released. 

Leave the War With Me- London Grammar

A hope-filled permission slip, encouraging the continuous process of surrender. 

On A Good Day- OceanLab

Some electronic encouragement that good days DO exist. 

Keeping Your Head Up- Birdy

An anthem to be reserved for moments that feel like rock bottom.

Medicine- Daughter

Pure empathy for feelings of sadness and defeat.  

Last Hope- Paramore

This song just… understands. 

Yellow- Coldplay 

This song feels like sitting in direct sunlight with your eyes closed- comforting, validating, and pleasant. 

Still Learning- Halsey 

Halsey dispels myths of perfection and success by highlighting the continuous journey of both learning implementing the art of self-love. 

Putting an End to Body Shame

By Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings volunteer

“My body is not an ornament; it is the vehicle to my dreams.”

Taryn Brumfitt, Director of Embrace

For the past four years, I have been what I consider “fully recovered.” After a decade of struggling with an eating disorder, I’ve experienced and learned a lot. One thing that continues to concern me is the comments that are made about our own and others’ bodies.

I recently went to my doctor for a referral for a new mental health provider. At the appointment, she placed me on the scale for no apparent reason and went on to make comments and judgments about my weight. Now, as someone who has recovered, having medical professional pass comments on my weight (which is exactly where it should be for a healthy, recovered individual), was nothing short of devastating. Sadly, this is not the first time I have experienced these types of remarks from medical professionals* and others.

I recently watched a brilliant documentary called Embrace, by Taryn Brumfitt, a mother of 3 who became an unexpected leader of the body positivity movement, after publicly sharing a before and after picture that showed her “perfect body” (in the eyes of society) as the before picture and her real, healthy body as the after. The public response to this picture went viral and sparked her journey to produce this beautiful documentary.

During the film, Taryn travels around the world talking with women from multiple countries about external, socially constructed ideas about bodies versus the reality of what it really means to have a glorious, healthy body.

My biggest takeaway from both my own experiences and Taryn’s wise words is this: your body is not an ornament to be judged and rated; it is a vehicle to your dreams, an amazing gift that allows you to move through this world--experiencing it, pursuing your dreams, loving, learning and moving.

And while the journey towards embracing and changing the narrative around bodies is not something that will happen overnight, it is up to all of us to take a stand and refuse to make comments about someone else’s appearance or weight. Also, it is up to all of us to give our amazing vessels the respect and care that they deserve.

Benazir

*Silver Linings footnote. Your family physician can be a valuable resource and ally in your recovery journey. However, surrounding yourself with the medical/health professionals that are the right fit for you can take time and effort. Please persevere through this process. You deserve it. We offer a lot of helpful tools on our Resource pages. Check them out in the main menu.

Perfection is a Pretty Girl and Other Lies

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings Volunteer 

Perfectionism.

A fancy form of fear.

Red-lipped to keep mine shut.

Drenched in an eau de parfum

 of guilt and shame

that my good is never good enough.

And perfect is a pale pink hue

 I must paint myself

with self-torment

and torrents of tears.

-shb 

The words above were inspired by feelings of deep inadequacy as a body, as a human and as a female. I write this with the full awareness that I am not alone in feeling the aesthetic pressures of being a woman.

“Long legs, small waist, long hair, full lips, smooth skin, tall but not too tall, petite but curvy in the right ways, toned and strong but not too muscular, large breasts, doe-like eyes with long eyelashes, eternally youthful, dainty, small...pretty.”

These are the current requirements for a female to achieve physical perfection: a list so extensive and contradictory that it would take nothing short of obliterating our natural bodies to achieve it. Yet, we do: we diet, we strive, we focus, we starve, we wither. And as our bodies succumb to the empty promise of happiness via perfection, so do we.

March 8th was International Women's Day: a day to highlight women's rights, to be cognizant of the progressive steps that have been made and space there is yet to cover. This year, let’s pay attention to the dangerous lies we are told about our worth in relation to our appearance. Let’s call out the psychological control of the media, the fashion and beauty industries and the dolls that we buy for our daughters.

Studies have revealed that 70% of women believe that they would be treated better if they looked more like the beauty ideal they see in the media. Hating ourselves takes up energy. Having an eating disorder takes up energy. Striving to change our bodies takes up energy. And 70% is a lot of women.

In honour of this year’s International Women's Day, let’s push for a shift in female perspective. Let’s aim to make way for a reality in which women take the energy they put towards changing their bodies and redirect it instead, towards changing the world.

https://psmag.com/news/when-obsession-with-beauty-becomes-a-disease

Eating Disorder Awareness: More Important Now Than Ever Before

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

My past three winters have been highlighted by the excitement and emotion of helping organize Calgary’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week (EDAW). This involvement has been inspired by my own struggles with an eating disorder and the fulfillment I get from giving back to others in a practical and meaningful way. With activities ranging from yoga and prayer events, to cupcake and nutrition workshops, EDAW is always a special seven days in which education, empathy and connection flow. Held during the first week of February, this year’s EDAW was no different… except that in a lot of ways, it was.  

EDAW 2021 was held virtually, which was an endeavor requiring extra creativity and adaptability from the Silver Linings’ staff and volunteer team, but worth every second and resulting in the success of several beautiful online events. In addition to the notable absence of physical attendance, I was struck by how this year’s EDAW felt so different from years past. As part of the organizing team, I had the opportunity to be behind the scenes for one of this year’s virtual events. Although I was immersed in the excitement and celebration of the event’s fruition, I couldn’t shake the eerie sense that I, too, was watching it all enfold from behind a screen. Is my zoom video on? Am I unmuted? How’s my connection? In all honesty, I’ve been struggling to connect to myself…

The Covid-19 pandemic and everything it entails has been profoundly challenging in regards to my mental health. ED tendencies and maladaptive coping mechanisms have tempted me often. As an ED survivor and awareness advocate, it’s not easy to admit that I’ve been struggling. I so often share my personal experiences to offer hope and encouragement! It’s for this reason that I experienced the strange feeling of being an imposter while organizing this year’s EDAW events.

I am strong. I am resilient. I have recovered. Yet, I am still struggling. And I know I am not the only one. As a result of the pandemic, Canada’s need for mental health support is at an all time high. The Calgary Distress Centre has seen a 77% increase in calls from those seeking help with feelings of anxiety, depression and loneliness. Toronto’s Hospital for Sick Children has witnessed an unprecedented spike in eating disorder diagnoses of children and adolescents and demand for outpatient care has more than doubled in the past year. The same can be said for eating disorders in adults. Demand for Silver Linings’ programs is up as much as 112% over 2019. The anxiety and uncertainty as a result of the pandemic are clearly a perfect storm for eating disorders to develop, persist and return.

Life has felt far from normal, making eating disorder awareness initiatives, like EDAW, more important than ever. Please, wherever you are in your journey, know that you are not alone. You could be wondering if you have an eating disorder. You could be in the midst of recovery. You could be a worried parent, relative or friend. Or, like me, you could be recovered and feeling shame for still needing help. Please know that no matter your circumstance, you are deserving of support during this relentlessly unsettling time.

To learn more about the various eating disorder support groups offered by Silver Linings, please go https://www.silverliningsfoundation.ca.

The “Perfect” Princess: Three Things Diana’s Story Teaches Us About Eating Disorders

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer.

I was three years old on August 31, 1997, oblivious to the collective grief that gripped the globe following the death of Princess Diana. Until recently, my knowledge of the Princess of Wales has been limited to the fact that she was beautiful and loved by what seemed to be the entire world (including my mom). Today, twenty-some years after her death, I too find myself immersed in Princess Di’s ocean of adoration.

On the recommendation of a friend, I watched Diana: In Her Own Words on Netflix. I pressed play with an expectation of background noise or, at the most, a moderately interesting British history lesson. But by the end credits, I was full-body sobbing. Healing can often be found in the solace of shared experience... but the poignancy of such a public figure speaking openly of her struggles with bulimia and self-harm shook me to the core. I identified with her every word, feeling seen and understood in my own past battles of the same nature.

How, during all my twenty-six years, had I been unaware of the courageous vulnerability and mental health advocacy of Princess Diana? She was, in my estimation, the first celebrity to openly discuss having an eating disorder. More than two decades after her death, Diana remains an inspiring example of recovery. Here are three aspects of eating disorders that I believe Princess Diana illuminates through both her struggle and resilience.

Eating disorders are about so much more than physical appearance. Through her struggles with bulimia, Princess Diana proved that eating disorders are symptoms of emotional turmoil. They are not entirely about food and weight, as is often incorrectly believed. Princess Diana’s bulimia began shortly after she became a member of the British royal family. At 19 years of age, Diana went from being a kindergarten teacher’s aid in West London to a media obsession. This life-altering shift to life in the spotlight would soon be compounded by a stormy and restrictive marriage. She referred to her bulimia as an “escape mechanism” from the demands of her high-profile existence. She claimed that for her, bulimia was a side-effect of her unhappiness. “It was a symptom of what was going on in my marriage,“ she said. “I was crying out for help but people were using it as a coat on a hanger, claiming that (the bulimia) was the problem.”

When it comes to eating disorders, speaking up is not easy, but it is essential to healing. Diana described bulimia as “a secret disease that you inflict upon yourself because your self-esteem’s at a low ebb. You don’t think you’re worthy or valuable.” Eating disorders are known to thrive in secrecy and are often accompanied by the heaviness of shame. Diana described how hard it was for her to reach out for help: “When you have bulimia you’re very ashamed of yourself and you hate yourself, you don’t want to discuss it with people.” She struggled in silence for multiple years before beginning therapy.

Beyond recovering, Princess Diana further revolted against bulimia’s demands for secrecy in becoming one of the first celebrities to openly discuss having lived experience with an eating disorder. Her candidness created “The Diana Effect,' a phenomenon that saw a significant spike in access to eating disorder helplines and mental health resources. Through her bravery to be vulnerable, she gave permission for others to speak out about what was previously thought to be unspeakable.

Eating disorders do not define those who suffer from them. Amidst the pain of living with an eating disorder, it is possible to feel consumed and defined by your struggles. For this reason, recovery can seem daunting. Yet, Princess Diana proves that an eating disorder does not have the power to define you. I’m sure there were times when Diana felt complete hopelessness as if she would never succeed in escaping her illness. Evidently, nothing could have been further from the truth. Diana recovered, helped others to do the same and will forever be renowned for her work as a humanitarian. She transformed her pain into compassion and devoted herself to helping others feel seen and understood. No one thinks of Princess Diana and merely remembers her as someone with a mental illness. Even in the midst of her struggles, she was infinitely more than that. She is evidence that an eating disorder is not a life sentence or an identity. Instead, she serves as ever-living proof that an eating disorder can be overcome.

Recovery: The Ultimate Holiday Gift

By Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings volunteer

The time of the year surrounding special holidays can be triggering for many. For those struggling with an eating disorder, this season can prove especially challenging for maintaining healthy boundaries around food and body image. The highs and lows of the holiday season can also amplify emotions and the focus on disordered eating and urges that often accompany them.

Therefore, this month I’d like to share a few tips on how to give yourself the greatest gift of all this holiday season: your recovery.

1) Make a Plan
The holidays can be a daunting time for many. Strained family relationships, loneliness, financial pressure and food & drink focused events can all add up to increased stress for those in recovery. To mitigate some of these stressors, it can be especially helpful to make a strong plan around the holidays to avoid triggering situations and prevent relapse. It may help to make this plan with a trusted counsellor or friend or family member who can guide you through organizing meals, activities, and building a schedule that promotes self-care.

2) Establish Boundaries
Sometimes those closest to us are those who trigger us the most. If you know that spending time with certain individuals or family members tends to be triggering for you, consider what boundaries you may need to set in advance. This could look like setting a time limit on how long you spend with someone, asking loved ones not to discuss food or weight when you are present or setting boundaries around gift-giving. Remember that setting boundaries can be a challenging skill to learn. Try not to feel discouraged if at first others push back against a new boundary. This is often a normal reaction when others are faced with change, which is why having a strong support community is very important.

3) Practice Self-Compassion & Forgiveness  

As much as possible, try to focus on progress instead of perfection. Perfectionism often correlates with harmful thoughts and behaviours. To avoid being hard on yourself, try to think of yourself as you do a loved one or friend. Aim to treat and speak to yourself as you would someone who you care about. If the plan doesn’t go perfectly and triggers negative emotions, try not to beat yourself up. Remember that the holidays can be a difficult time for many and that you are not alone.

2020 has been a year full of unexpected twists and turns... As the year comes to a close, the happy festive season that we all expected is seemingly unrealistic. This month, however, try to give yourself the ultimate gift: your own wellbeing and recovery. Although holidays, seasons and feelings come and go, your recovery is the ultimate gift that keeps on giving.

Happy holidays to all and I look forward to being in touch next year!

Dealing with Relapse: Use Your Setbacks As Stepping Stones

By Sophie Balisky, volunteer blog writer

Relapse

It’s true

That tomorrow

Is a new day-

But I did it anyway

And tonight was just

Another discouraging end

To a cycle quotidien…

I once took comfort

In “begin again,”

Back when I wasn’t this sick

Of starting over.

-shb

If you relate to this poem, please keep reading.

The process of recovery from my eating disorder found me face-down in the depths of what I thought was defeat. My efforts towards health often felt like taking one step forward and two steps back: pointless, futile and frustrating. Relapse would send me into a downward spiral. The thought that “recovery is possible for others but not for me” became something that I firmly believed.

If you currently hold this belief, you must know that it’s a lie. Recovery is possible for you. But it’s not a straight line. It wasn’t until I embraced this notion that I was fully able to surrender to my recovery journey, a journey unique to me, just as your journey of recovery is unique to you.

Think of ED recovery like climbing a mountain. There is a path ahead of you- one that you must choose to set foot on. Friends, family members and therapists can walk this path alongside you but they can’t carry you. It is up to you to decide to reach the summit. On this path you will encounter excitement, exhilaration and beautiful views… but you may also encounter obstacles that will push you back down to what feels like rock bottom. In spite of this, you must trust that these challenges do not exist to defeat you. Instead, they exist to make you self-aware and strong. In the face of these setbacks, choose forgiveness and self-compassion over hopelessness and self-hatred and you WILL eventually reach the top of the mountain.

Relapse can be a disguised opportunity for growth. Get curious: what new information can your “slip ups” reveal about yourself? What might have led to or triggered the relapse? What aspects of yourself need to be comforted and cared for? The answer to these questions is important knowledge that you didn’t have yesterday! The discovery of this new information is a success!  

A shift in perspective can turn setbacks into stepping stones. The pain of a relapse can offer you valuable information which, in turn, can be used to propel you in the direction of full recovery. You can and you will reach the top of the mountain!

Regardless of where you are on your path right now, know that you are exactly where you should be.

Know that you are never alone. Know that I believe in you. Know that there is no such thing as going backwards.

Sophie

Time Heals All Wounds. No…People Do

By N. A. N., guest blogger

I was 13. I got into the car and was met by my eye avoidant, undemonstrative mother and two silent sisters, both of whom had long since moved away from home. I intuitively knew why I was there. I’d laid stiff while it happened beside me years prior. From that day on it was no longer a secret within a family, but made explicit that it was never to be spoken of again, to anyone. I went back to school as an altered version of myself—voiceless and alone—and threw up for the first time. 

This was the start of food becoming my go to, my “best” (and only) friend. It gave me comfort and a degree of escape from the hell in my head. Only I couldn’t have guessed that day in the school bathroom that what I had done would gridlock me for decades. I was just trying to survive. Trauma and neglect would be the gateway to the mental illness that would hold me captive for almost 3 decades.

Throughout my decades of bulimia, my ability to develop authentic friendships and healthy intimate relationships was greatly compromised, despite having people all around me who wanted to get to know me. I felt peripheral everywhere, all the while keeping up a daily regimen of people-pleasing. Ironically, I desperately wanted to feel loved, to be heard and understood. 

How could no one see tht I was actually dying for these connections? How did I manage such Oscar-winning performances year after year playing a resilient and positive woman who excelled at everything she did? I felt like a fraud.  

Bulimia wasn’t making me more disciplined; it wasn’t giving me more control or the perfect body or life.  Instead, I was emotionally drained and exhausted all…the…time. As ER trips increased and I lost my last natural tooth, I started to live in fear that I would die in my sleep and eventually, part of me hoped that I would. I hated food, but my mind kept me in a daily incarceration of planning it, finding it and filling the empty spaces with it.

Plans for recovery started a million times on a million Mondays, with varying degrees of success. I knew all the treatment options, all the lingo, yet decades of days were spent in “service” of bulimia, and of others, never myself. My eating disorder would often tell me it was just “too late”; “I broke too young”; “I couldn’t be fixed.” 

But then one day, without ceremony, I stopped…

Was the recovery journey comfortable? No! For over a year, I was physically uncomfortable leaving food in my stomach. I felt panicked a lot of the time. Could I learn satiety or intuitive eating if I’d never experienced it? What would I do with the abundance of time I suddenly had?  

To stay in recovery, I had to figure all of this out. 

The development of personal spirituality, self-respect and creativity that it took to engage with my recovery—and the world around me—would eventually change my life. 

Today, I haven’t purged in years. Though sometimes I grieve for my 13-year-old self: her years of missed relationships; missed memories that should have been with people instead of food; not having children; nor a healthy body made to laugh, move, love herself and love others.  

However, now into my second life chapter, I am so grateful to my voice for leading me to freedom, to my body for finding a way to stay, and to my mind for finding a way to make it all meaningful.

Time, on its own, doesn’t necessarily heal…but people do! And the time to heal will always be now, and it will always be worth it.

Caring for Yourself During Times of Transition

By Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings volunteer 

September is a month of transition for many. It marks the beginning of the seasonal change from summer to autumn. Students return to school and the long dog days of summer slowly slip away. This transitional time can stir up emotions as adjustments are made and prompt anxiety, fear and worry.

September also marks an important mental health related date, World Suicide Prevention Day, on the 10th of the month. Though not widely known, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness including depression. This is a result of the frequency of suicide and of life-threatening medical complications among those with eating disorders. (Evidence, University of Calgary’s Dr.  April S. Elliott, as cited in LeBlanc, 2014).

So, for this month’s blog, it seemed appropriate to share some tips on how to cope with the stress that often comes with change and transition. In my experience, the voice of the eating disorder also often gets louder during these times. Here are some simple strategies that have helped me in the past:

1)    Increase your self-care activities.

Often, when we’re feeling out of sorts, anxious, or stressed, it can feel like life is spiralling out of control. The eating disorder hates losing control and thus unhealthy behaviours or coping mechanisms can start to seem more appealing. This is why it’s so important to try to increase your self-care activities and thereby set yourself up with better options during times of transition. This could include: taking warm showers or baths, having early nights, going for nature walks, spending time with pets, getting your nails done, treating yourself to something you’ve wanted for a while, or taking a personal day off from work or school.

2)    Surround yourself with a strong support network.

In stressful times it’s more important than ever to make sure you’re not isolating yourself or hiding your pain from others. Reach out to trusted people in your life, whether this is a therapist or counsellor, family members, friends, your faith community or your partner. There are also free, confidential hotlines and crisis services that you can access. (Please see below for more information about these).

3)    Always keep in mind, this too shall pass.

Just like the seasons, feelings come and go. Often when certain feelings or circumstances have felt unbearable to me I remind myself, this too shall pass. The only things we can count on in life are impermanence and change, and this simple saying can be a comforting reminder that cloudy days are often followed by sunny, bright ones.

Whether the beginning of fall excites you or challenges you, these 3 strategies may provide some additional comfort. Most of all, always remember that if you are ever struggling there are resources available to provide support. You are not alone.

Sending you love and wishing you a serene and happy September.

Benazir

●      Calgary’s 24-hour crisis support line is 403-266-4357.

●      The NEDIC helpline, 1-866-NEDIC-20, is open from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m., Monday to Thursday and Friday from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. (EST).

●      NEDIC’s instant chat, at https://nedic.ca/, is available from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m., Monday to Thursday and Friday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. (EST).

●      By texting “COVID19HOPE” to 393939, you can subscribe to receive daily text messages with advice and encouragement regarding healthy personal coping skills and resiliency. This service is provided by Alberta Health Services, https://www.albertahealthservices.ca/topics/Page17019.aspx

●      Silver Linings’ Clinical Advisors recommend the following Apps, Recovery Record (Free; iOS and Android), Rise Up and Recover (Free; iOS and Android) and Lifesum (Free; iOS and Android).

●      For live meal support, via Instagram, please check out: https://www.instagram.com/covid19eatingsupport/ 

●      For a comprehensive eating disorders resource, please check out this website - https://eatingdisorders.info/ - that we and our community partner, EDSNA, developed in consultation with Alberta Health Services. 

●      The federal First Nations and Inuit Hope for Wellness Help Line at 1-855-242-3310 is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Clients can also access an online chat at Hope for Wellness.

August Blog: Powerful

By Guest Writer, Alexandra Zannis, RSW.

I used to dance 7 days a week.

Cracked feet, trembling knees, alarms I begged my parents to let me snooze through, a second home that was the studio. Like any athlete, you become more or less obsessed with the task at hand, whether it is improving your running time or being able to do a triple pirouette flawlessly. Your world is sometimes narrow and all-consuming, fixated on the given milestone you are set to achieve. 

For me, my story begins at Friday ballet class. One day every week that felt like a blessing – a 90-minute class after school, followed by freedom until Saturday afternoon. Friday night was my only time off all week, as I was up on Sunday morning for 7 straight hours of rehearsal. Friday ballet was forgiving after a week of relentless training. Friday ballet was a reprieve. 

It was also where I learned about the deeply rooted disordered eating that is rampant in the dance community. It was a time where we could be more open with one another, where we felt honest and strong and whole. This class was an hour and a half of ballet that was always more about how we felt after a long week than how we looked.

I didn’t know I had disordered eating at the time. Like everyone I knew, I believed that the way I thought about and consumed food was normal. The conversations surrounding weight loss were almost constant and the hours spent analyzing every move your body makes in a mirror were, more often than not, excruciating. Some days it took everything I had just to put on my bodysuit and tights and walk out into that unforgiving studio. I’d look in the mirror and feel powerless to those aching feelings of imperfection. I didn’t “like” myself, or maybe more accurately, I didn’t like my reflection in the mirror.

Fast forward 10 years and I am now a Social Worker living in Ottawa. I have what I often consider to be a breathtaking life. And when I moved to Ottawa, running became my saving grace. 

I stopped dancing after high school from an injured body and couldn’t really forgive myself until I found my groove with running. Running, coupled with a more holistic health routine. As a social worker, my days are spent analyzing the worst-case scenario. The single mother with a sick child who can’t afford rent, the man wrongly accused and sentenced to prison, the child searching for a place to call home. I became entranced with the human psyche. I needed to know, to whatever extent possible, why humans acted the way they did.  Running became a refuge, a time alone to process my experiences and the weight of it all. My life transformed, even more, when I started to appreciate my body for what it could do rather than loathe myself for what it couldn’t. 

When I started my Social Work education, I was enlightened to the fact that no Social Worker on the planet is allowed to go through the process of analyzing someone else without first analyzing themselves. To do my work, I had to perform an agonizing but necessary deep dive into the darkest parts of myself. What I would later refer to as an inquiry into my social conventions. I reflected on questions that would reshape the way I view myself and the world around me - How and why did I act and react to my surroundings the way I did?

A lot of my re-learning came from that Friday ballet class. Looking back years later that specific class felt like home for many, a quasi-sanctuary from the structured weekly classes that would beg more from us than we could ever produce. Friday ballet allowed us to just be, with the music gently flowing through our aching bodies. 

There was a culture in ballet that we couldn’t talk about openly. Where there were dark shadows surrounding food and weight, and none that dared to shine a light on the relentless battle with self-worth that followed. We all wanted perfection and spent countless hours staring at our bodies wrapped in tight clothing trying our hardest to emulate our version of it. We were told on repeat that even if we did something perfectly, there was room for improvement. You could always jump higher, turn out more, or reach farther: “Alexandra, you must watch yourself in the mirror but don’t let it look like you are watching yourself.” 

I don’t look at myself in mirrors now when I exercise, I know how my body moves. It is presumably why I am so consumed by running, as yoga or exercise at the gym makes me fixate on my movements. I revel in the liberating choice of pushing my body for a feeling rather than for appearance.
I worked hard to rewrite the story I had created about my body, but the path ahead still feels cumbersome. How do you unlearn those foundational lessons that shaped how you view yourself in the world? I hated my body for what it looked like in the mirror, not for its capabilities. 

On a recent run, I asked myself, “What would you say to that young dancer who scrutinized herself in the mirror? What short, one-sentence wisdom, would you impart on her if ever given the chance”? I barely finished the question in my head before I was ready to answer - I knew in my body what I would say to her and it rang through me every stride I took for the rest of the run. 

I would tell her “Don’t fill your head with thoughts about being thin, instead, fill it with thoughts of being powerful.”

I finished my run, pulled my headphones out and started to cry. The built-up emotion filled me, and I could do nothing but sit in the sweat and pain and tears of remembering who I was before I was told who I ‘needed to be.’. 

Powerful. What might my life have looked like had I promised myself not to be smaller, but powerful?
I guess now all there is left to do is find out. 

Alexandra Zannis is the Social Policy and Communications Coordinator at the Canadian Association of Social Workers in Ottawa, ON.

5 Steps to Your Best Summer with Your Body

By Silver Linings volunteer, Benazir Radmanesh 

Ahhh, the amazing feeling of the summer heat after a long, cold winter spent bundled up under layers of clothing. As the temperature rises, however, so does the pressure to shed those layers of clothing. And along with those lost layers comes the misguided societal pressure to shed some pounds. With fitness and diet culture bombarding us with messages of “bikini-body quick fixes,” I’d like to share 5 tips for tuning out the noise that you’re not good enough just as you are and tuning in to inner peace and acceptance of your body.

1)    Write a gratitude letter to your body.

So many of us only think about our bodies when we’re criticizing ourselves. We focus on all of the parts that we don’t like, completely ignoring all of the amazing, important things our bodies do for us. Take a quiet moment to write a list of at least 10 things that you’re grateful for about your body. Examples could be the ability to see beautiful sunsets, to listen to your favourite music, to touch the soft fur of a new puppy, to take in the delicious aroma of fresh roses.

2)    Go on a cleanse...a social media cleanse.

It’s hard not to be bombarded at least once a day with “fitspo” images--pictures of people’s workouts, meals, bodies, etc. Consciously note the content that fills your social media feeds. Is it making you feel better or worse about yourself? Does it inspire you or simply give you an unrealistic standard to compare yourself to? Instead of following fitness models or celebrities, perhaps choose to follow body positivity accounts, cute animal pages, or just the friends and family members who you really care about. Take a social media detox to clear your mind of “compare & despair” clutter!

3)    Focus on comfort.

When I was in the early stages of recovery, it was very important for me to dress in clothes that made me feel comfortable. For a while, that meant letting go of clothing that I was using to define myself and to punish myself with. Choose to wear comfy clothing and fabrics that make you feel good instead of self-conscious. If you’re wearing clothes that make you focus more on your body than on what you’re doing while wearing them, this should be a “red flag” to change into something in which you feel more at ease.

4)    Spend time in nature.

Summertime means long days, blue skies, sunshine and green spaces! Try to spend more time outside enjoying nature’s beauty. A walk by the river, a bike ride in the park, a hike in the mountains: all of these are opportunities to focus on something outside of yourself. Noticing the inspiring beauty of the natural world helps us appreciate the bigger picture of life outside of our bodies.

5)    Practice self-love and self-care.

Find ways to do loving things for yourself and for your body. Give yourself a nice pedicure. Watch a funny movie. Catch yourself in negative self-talk and replace these thoughts with something positive. Make positive affirmations part of your daily ritual. The kinder you are to yourself the harder it will be to dislike your body.

Remember: you are more than your body. Your body is an incredible tool that allows you to move through the amazing world around you. Surround yourself with people who love you as you are and remember to say “thank you” to your body each day. And most of all, enjoy your summer!

Gratitude, Moment by Moment

By Guest Blogger, Sonja F. 

“My past relationship with my eating disorder (ED) is one that I’m grateful to have.” This is something that I never thought I would say, as living with bulimia for 15 years was extremely painful. When I used to hear others in recovery say that they were grateful to have lived with an eating disorder, I thought it was absurd! I so badly wanted to be healed of my ED, which I experienced as a helpless void and endless cycle of pain. Yet recovery from bulimia has given me a new outlook and an emotional skill set to help me navigate my world. 

This month marks two years since my last binge and purge. That day, like the rest of my “bad days,” was just an average day. My ED was my “normal”- it evolved beyond negative feelings and eventually started to attack my positive feelings as well. Even feelings of joy would trigger me to binge and purge. Towards the end of my struggle, insignificant activities such as getting out of bed and planning my day would trigger my ED. I lived in constant fear, always having the helpless feeling that recovery wasn’t possible. I believed that my ED was going to be part of my life forever. 

As I write this, it’s tempting to only write about the suffering: How my ED morphed over the years--the regrets, the lying, the physical pain, the planning, and the endless broken promises that tomorrow would be different. However, anyone who has experienced an eating disorder knows these feelings. This is a fact that, in and of itself, shows some of the “beauty” of living through an ED. A community is formed among those who understand what it’s like. Through the power of communication, love, acceptance and understanding, we gain the strength to recover. Not only for ourselves but also to be able to help others who are struggling.

I wouldn’t be celebrating this two-year milestone had it not been for my eating disorder recovery fellowship. This community of support includes various groups. I spoke with a counsellor who specializes in disordered eating. I attended anonymous group meetings with others who had addiction issues. I spoke openly and honestly with trusted friends and family members. I journaled my fears, feelings and anxieties. And I practiced yoga and meditation to slow life down a bit (This really helped!). 
When I had my first abstinent meal - without binging or purging - I didn’t know how I would sustain this long term. I don’t work well with setting goals and internal promises like “I won’t binge today or this week” were not helpful. Instead, I had to slow recovery down by taking it minute by minute. By remaining as present as possible I found my manageability. Two years later, I still take recovery moment by moment because really, the only thing I have is this moment. Thinking too much about the future or the past is a trigger for me, and while my triggers hardly have a voice anymore, I respect that from time to time they still exist. 

Respect is a quality I’ve learned since finding recovery. I respect that the voice of my ED might always be with me and that’s okay because I’m not scared of it anymore. I can now finally laugh at the little voice that pops up, trying to tell me that I’m fat. Rather than rationalize or give in, I can acknowledge its presence and then do something loving for myself instead. An example of this might be going for a walk without distraction, looking at trees, houses, animals or simply observing the plethora of life in the neighbourhood that I call home. I also go to yoga, not for the exercise, but because it connects me with my breath. Breath practise helps me feel present and connected to the spiritual forces that love and protect me. Some days I skip exercise altogether without guilt. Also, now that I am recovered, I am able to allow myself a snack--not as a punishment or reward--but because my body craves it and knows it will be enjoyable. After the snack is finished, I can effortlessly move on. To most this may seem like a small act, but it gives me an overwhelming feeling of joy because for so long I yearned for this simple pleasure.

And that brings me back to why I now have gratitude for having suffered from bulimia for 15 years after initially thinking that it was absurd for anyone to be grateful for such an illness. Through recovery, I have been blessed with being able to experience joy in eating and finishing a meal. I have gratitude for a resilient body that has stood by me even when I put it through turmoil. I have gratitude for the power of recovery and the daily joy I feel for being able to take it one abstinent minute at a time. But perhaps the aspect that I love the most about my recovery from bulimia is the instant connection and understanding that I have with those who have also suffered from either an eating disorder, insecurity, depression, or anxiety. I love listening to others’ stories. And, it's important to me that I share my own story of strength and hope. 

Recovery is possible. It is a beautiful feeling that only gets better, one abstinent minute at a time.

Nourishing Yourself Through Challenging Times

By Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings volunteer

Nourish:

1: To nurture.

2: To promote the growth of.

3a: To furnish or sustain with nutrients.

b: To maintain, support.Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

No matter who we are or where we are in the world, we have all been impacted by the global pandemic of COVID-19. My Silver Linings co-blogger, Sophie Balisky, has been writing an inspirational series of blogs regarding eating disorders and COVID-19. They cover themes such as control, temptations, triggers and support systems throughout isolation. You can read them here. In today’s blog post, I am also taking the opportunity to share some of my perspectives.

A major component for many people living with an eating disorder is the element of control. By controlling when and what we eat, how and how much we exercise and what our bodies weigh. the (distorted) thinking is that we are also gaining control over other aspects of our lives. For many, times of instability, frightening change, or destabilization, will trigger an even greater need for control. Enter COVID-19 and all of the ensuing scary world news, disruptions to our daily lives, social restrictions and more. This is why I’d like to share a few of my tips on how to nourish, not control, yourself right now.

We often think of nourishment in terms of food. However, to truly nourish oneself involves so much more than just what we physically feed our bodies. Nourishment also applies to our minds, our emotions and our spiritual and social selves. Here are a few of the ways that I keep myself well-nourished, and that I encourage you to explore for your own well-being during this very challenging time: 

1) Nourish your mind

It’s easy these days to get caught up in the 24/7 news cycle, tracking all of the alarming statistics and new restrictions being announced each day. For myself, I’ve set limits on how much news I consume each day. I allow myself two opportunities to check the news – once in the morning and once in the afternoon – and then give myself a break for the rest of the day. I have also started to focus on surrounding myself with more positive content. For me, this includes posting a daily moment-of-gratitude on my channels as a counter to all of the negative and scary stories online. Another way that I am increasing the positivity in my life is by “sprinkling” my house with affirmations that I have written on coloured Post-it notes. These affirmations are beautiful reminders in visible places in my home such as on my mirror, my kitchen cabinets and my computer monitors. They remind me each day of all that is good and beautiful in my life.

2) Nourish your spirit

The social changes we are all experiencing in response to COVID-19 have required a lot of us to slow down and spend more time at home. This has meant fewer errands, fewer activities, and often, more potentially negative thoughts. To combat this, I’ve been using the extra time to take solo walks in beautiful places or even just around the block, focusing on staying present, observing my surroundings and finding joy in the birds and the trees. I’ve also been spending time on grounding exercises and on taking quiet moments on my yoga mat to meditate and read inspirational readings. 

3) Nourish your connections

Isolation and secrecy are two elements that often play a big part in fueling an eating disorder. Spending so much time at home can lead to feeling more alone and isolated than ever. Currently, I have committed to connecting meaningfully with at least one or more friends or family members every day. As my partner works away from home, while I work remotely, I have found myself with much more alone time than I’m used to. To help ensure that I don’t spend too much time in my head and isolate myself emotionally - something that I have struggled with in the past - I have made an effort to call or FaceTime someone once a day, to invite a friend for a socially distanced walk, or to send an email to important people in my life. This practice has helped me mitigate the risks of isolation and instead, stay connected.

During this time of upheaval, it is so important that we commit to daily practices to keep ourselves feeling nourished – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. For my own recovery, I know that feeding my body nourishing foods is only one part of keeping myself well. I must also ensure that I am taking care of myself in a well-rounded holistic way. I hope that some of my tips above also help you to care for yourself during this time. Please be gentle with yourself, speak to yourself with love, kindness and affirmation, and find small ways to nourish yourself each day. 

Sending love and light

X., Benazir

COVID-19 and Eating Disorders, Part 3: Uncertainty and Lack of Control

Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

The third and final part of this blog series addresses a theme common to both eating disorders (ED) and the world's current consciousness: uncertainty and the need to feel in control. If you missed the previous posts in this series please click here.   

The past month and a half has been filled with suspense. We nervously await updates from political leaders and health authorities, while trying to maintain our footing on ever-shifting terrain. Navigating life during this pandemic is comparable to hitting clear-air turbulence in an aircraft--sudden, unpredictable and out of control. 

Faced with so much uncertainty, it is tempting to become obsessively focused on what can be controlled such as, body image and appearance. I am personally familiar with this unhealthy coping mechanism. During the time I lived with an ED, I fixated on controlling my appearance as if my peace of mind depended on it. Ironically, nothing could have been farther from the truth. Focusing on food, weight and appearance, with the intention to feel in control, is a recipe for disaster. Lately, I’ve really had to remind myself of this. 

As a flight attendant, I’ll be out of work for the foreseeable future. COVID-19 has caused major fallout for the airline and many other industries. I love my job. Despite my attempts to be optimistic, temporarily losing my job has brought feelings of sadness, helplessness and a lack of purpose. I’ve experienced, with new clarity, the correlation between feelings of uncertainty and the frequency with which ED thoughts try to tempt me with the promise of “control.” I’ve observed myself being drawn back to the idea of restricting food in the hope of controlling something in my life. I’ve considered buying fitness programs, following strict meal plans, measuring and counting... all fleeting attempts to find peace amidst life's current chaos. But I’ve been here before and so instead I am choosing to remind myself of the truth.

An eating disorder will not bring me control. Quite the opposite, it will control me. I know that restriction will lead to binging, purging, obsession and anxiety. All of which are the opposite of what I want for myself. I also know that choosing to restrict my food leads to the restriction of other things in my life: joy, creativity, spontaneity, laughter and everything else that makes life worth living. In the past, I’ve lost these things to an eating disorder and I won’t let this happen again. 

There is so much more to eating disorders than food and weight. It took me some time to realize that my preoccupation with those things was only a symptom of deeper issues. It wasn’t until I started uncovering the root causes of my behaviour that I realized that fear, inadequacy and uncertainty constituted the core of my pain which, in turn, motivated my unhealthy behaviours. It was only when I confronted these feelings at their source that my eating disorder began to wilt and die. Along the way, I learned that tending to these underlying issues is not a one time cure, but instead a continual process. 

This form of self-care is more important than ever right now. Anxiety about my body’s appearance is a red flag warning me of hidden emotional pain that I still need to address. 

Despite feeling as if I have no control over what’s going on in the world or in my life, I know that I always have full control over one thing: my response. I will choose to respond to this crisis from a place of love and empowerment. I will choose to not give my power away to ED’s darkness. Instead, I will ask myself: What can I learn from this? What are the “silver linings” to be found through this?

I find certainty in the pursuit of these answers. I find control within my agency and I know for sure that: I am the creative director of my life. I am the gardener of my thoughts. And although I have no control over what life throws at me, I have full control over what I choose to do about it. And so do you. 

This week’s mantra is: it is okay to admit that life is uncertain and scary right now. And although I don’t have control over what’s happening, I do have control over my response to it. I have control over how I choose to show up for others, for the world and for myself. 

Sophie

COVID-19 and Eating Disorders, Part 2: Isolation and Loneliness

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

With each passing week, the COVID-19 pandemic continues to alter our lives. For many, including myself, the dramatic changes have been accompanied by psychological stress. Old eating disorder narratives have been reignited for me. It is my goal to call out these harmful thoughts through writing this three-part blog. Please click here if you missed Part One. This post explores my experience with what I have found to be a particularly significant trigger of eating disorder (ED) behaviour: isolation and loneliness.

In the interest of “flattening the curve,” social-distancing and self-isolation have not only become new norms but also expectations. However, from an evolutionary and biological perspective, humans are social creatures--there’s a reason why solitary confinement is the worst type of imprisonment. Although effective at containing the virus, forced isolation is problematic for our mental health. I’ve been experiencing the effects of isolation first hand, as feelings of loneliness have been threatening to evoke past ED tendencies.  

I’m a textbook introvert. I’ve always needed to re-charge my energetic batteries with a lot of “me” time. But stretch an afternoon of solitude into anything longer than a few days and my thoughts will begin to over-steep like a forgotten cup of tea. Overthinking will quickly darken my usually optimistic outlook and that, my friends, is the space where my ED voice can become emboldened. Eating disorders thrive in the ruminating thoughts that accompany isolation. 

As an aforementioned introvert, I hadn’t realized until now just how important my social circle is for my overall well-being. Uplifting friends provide inspiration and support while also reflecting back positive attributes within myself. Not being able to spend time with these people has me feeling lonely. Pre-recovery, loneliness would have me searching for ways to numb-out and lately, ED has been raising its hand again to volunteer. To which I respond, “Thank you for your interest, but you're no longer a suitable match for this job.”  

Truthfully, I don’t want to numb-out loneliness. Any type of emotional pain is information and this particular pain is informing me that I have an amazing friend network that is worthy of being missed. Also, contrary to what the ED would have me believe, these friends miss me in the same way. So, there is no need to spiral back down into a secretive illness of shame when I can choose to simply reach out to others. There was a time when I considered my eating disorder to be my friend, and even though it may be attempting to reach out to me now, I will no longer answer its calls. Friends off. Blocked and deleted. 

Instead, I will make a daily effort to stay connected to as many wonderful people as possible through technology. I’ve already had “FaceTime Teatime” dates and long phone calls with a number of my friends (almost daily with my family) and it’s made all the difference in keeping my thoughts in a positive space. I also have friends who I know I can express my ED vulnerabilities to, along with an outstanding therapist who I can always count on to help me feel centred and strong. I’ve also realized that the most important person I have in my life is ME. I’m finally beginning to trust in my ability to be my own best friend, to truly experience my emotions and to self-soothe instead of self-sabotage.

When I pay attention to all the ways in which I am loved and supported by others, I am filled with immense gratitude that leaves little room for any gloomy ED thoughts. Make a list of who you know you can depend on and reach out to those people. Remember this: you are not alone; you are not even alone in feeling alone. We are all connected right now, more than ever, even if it may not seem like it.

This week’s mantra is: I will make connecting with the people I love a daily priority. I will reach out if I need help and simply for the sake of reaching out. I am loved and supported by so many people.

 
Talk to you all again next week, in Part Three! 
Sophie 

COVID-19 and Eating Disorders, Part 1: Food, Exercise & Body Image

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

Since negative body image and preoccupation with food and exercise are the defining aspects of an eating disorder, Part One of this blog series focuses on my experience with these topics, amidst the Covid-19 outbreak. If you missed the introduction to this series, please click here:
A few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store to purchase ingredients for my work-week meal prep. One of my staples is chickpeas. But there were no chickpeas. Not even the expensive, organic kind. Furthermore, the other essentials on my list also appeared to be dwindling in supply. Anxious thoughts ran through my mind: “What if I am unable to eat the way I normally eat? What if the healthy foods that I most commonly purchase are no longer available? What will happen if I am forced to sustain myself off of foods that have triggered me in the past”? Stockpiling on fresh produce was not logical - unless I owned a family of ten rabbits -  and loading up on processed pantry items filled me with a dread that I hadn’t experienced since the thick of my eating disorder struggles. Familiar fear caught me off guard in the form of labelling foods as “good” and “bad.”

COVID-19 has brought about the sudden closure of most businesses. This includes my beloved spin and boxing studios, along with all commercial gyms. Like my relationship with my body, my relationship with exercise has a tumultuous past. I’ve worked hard to rebuild this relationship from a foundation of self-love, strength and endorphins. Yet...no more early morning spin classes with double attack tracks? No post-boxing muscle soreness? This has become a concern for me. I catch myself overthinking what I make for dinner, due to a quietly nagging fear that I haven’t “earned” it that day. Self-quarantine means spending much more time than usual indoors, which has me thinking about my energy expenditure more than I’d like to admit. And although I do enjoy them, I’m beginning to realize that I may have an unhealthy dependency on high-intensity fitness classes. 

The combination of potential food scarcity and reduced physical activity has not been easy for me to deal with. I’ve had instances of mirror checking. Urges to restrict what I eat. Urges to measure my food and my body. Urges to run around my neighbourhood for two hours straight. But I won’t. And neither should you. Here’s why. 

I know from lived experience that the consequences of not giving my body the fuel it needs will FAR outweigh the consequences of eating foods I may label as “bad.” Furthermore, the concept of “good” and “bad” food labelling is something I’ve worked too hard to rid my mind of. I will not abandon myself OR my health in favour of repetitious lies from my ED - who, at this point, is beginning to display a major lack of creativity. I refuse to sink back into the depths of an unsustainable, low-energy existence. My body is intelligent. I know that I can trust my body and, in turn, I must ensure that it can trust ME. I will give it the energy that it unconditionally deserves by NOT restricting what I eat. 

Despite my love of high-intensity exercise regimes, I know that calorie-torching workouts are not a prerequisite for loving myself, nor are they the key to health. And believe me, not only is running around your neighbourhood for two whole hours unspeakably boring, it can result in shin splints and hormonal imbalances. I won’t do it. Instead, I will choose to embrace new forms of movement. I will go for walks and listen to my favourite podcasts. I will dance in my apartment. I will stream YouTube yoga classes and moderate at-home workouts. Most importantly, I will stop obsessing over the frequency and intensity of my workouts and instead, truly listen to what my body craves in terms of movement. Sometimes, this may look like a day with no movement at all, which is completely okay! I choose to view exercise as a way to shift stagnant energy through my body, not as a way to maintain any type of physical aesthetic.  
And there you have it. An honest account of what has been surfacing for me in terms of food, exercise and body image, as a result of the COVID-19 reality. If you are struggling to any degree, I hope you’ve found this relatable, helpful and hopeful. 

My mantra for this week is: I trust and accept my body exactly as it is. I respect my body and therefore myself, by giving it the energy that it needs and by making self-loving exercise a priority. Try making it yours too. 

Be sure to check back next week for Part 2 of this series!
Sophie.

Introduction to ‘Covid-19 and Eating Disorders,’ a 3-Part Blog

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

My eating disorder (ED) has been dead to me for a while now, and I am strongly committed to keeping it that way. I’ve been diligent in my efforts to heal over the past two years and, as a result, can proudly say that now recovery is the liberating space in which the majority of my thoughts reside. A normal day in my life is ED-free. However, I know I speak for everyone when I say that recent life has not been normal. 

The Covid-19 virus has swiftly knocked the wind out of any preconceived notion of “normalcy,” leaving in its wake physical, psychological and economic turmoil. If you’re anything like me, the past few weeks have been a blur of grappling with sudden change, whilst jumping between thoughts of “What? How can this be real?” and “Wow...This is actually happening.” Nothing like a pandemic to start off the new decade…
It’s hard to say which is more contagious--the coronavirus itself or the fear that it invokes? “Hysteria. Chaos. Panic,” all of these words describe the times we currently find ourselves in. I’m sure usage of the word “unprecedented” is also at a record high. And all for good reason: this is a chaotic and unprecedented crisis. Covid-19, and the strange circumstances it has brought with it, are proving difficult for everyone. We, as a world-wide collective, were not prepared for this virus nor were we prepared for its psychological side effects. 

As mentioned, I consider myself to be fully recovered from my eating disorder. Yet, I’ve recently been revisited by the still familiar inner voice of ED dialogue. It belittles and taunts me, trying to persuade me back to maladaptive and self-harming behaviours. It promises me a sense of control amidst all of this uncertainty. And...I’ve almost listened to it. ALMOST. 

I find no shame in admitting that the unfamiliar reality caused by Covid-19 threatens to reawaken a mental illness that I’ve fought so hard to overcome. It certainly does. Throughout this, I am aware that  I have the potential--but more importantly, the choice-- to revert back to harmful coping mechanisms. But that is not what I will choose to do. 

Instead, I will choose to connect. I’ve observed my thoughts and feelings over the past few days and have categorized them into three main groups. This will thus be a three-part blog series where I will discuss these thoughts and feelings, why I choose to not listen to them, and the healthy tools that work for me in combating them. Throughout, I want to communicate my thoughts and feelings honestly and openly because I know that I am not alone in feeling them. None of us are alone in this. 

Stay tuned for Part One! 

Why Eating Disorders Awareness Week Matters

By Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings volunteer

Last week, February 1 to 7, was Eating Disorders Awareness Week (EDAW), an informative and stirring, full week of events focused on community engagement and raising awareness of the fact that eating disorders can’t afford to wait. 

The week began with iconic Calgary landmarks including the Calgary Tower, the Glenbow Museum, the Reconciliation Bridge and Olympic Plaza being lit up in vivid purple--the awareness colour for eating disorders--to shine a light on this urgent mental health issue. Plus, the official proclamation and launch of EDAW at Calgary City Hall by MLA Nicholas Milliken, Councillor Sean Chu, Silver Linings and the Eating Disorder Support Network of Alberta (EDSNA).

This year’s EDAW theme was “Eating Disorders Can’t Afford To Wait,” and as someone who is in recovery from an eating disorder, I could not agree more. When I was still in the grip of my eating disorder, each day involved being robbed of my health, my relationships, my dreams--my life. Today, thousands of Albertans continue to be robbed of their lives by their eating disorder struggles. Compounding this, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses, including depression. And yet, they remain misunderstood and stigmatized. 

I spent years trying to access medical care for my illness and facing confusion from doctors, friends and family members. Also, I constantly felt ashamed of having an eating disorder. From my perspective, it is therefore incredibly refreshing and powerful to experience a public/transparent week of talking, accurately, about these mental illnesses. 

The lighting up of landmarks mentioned earlier feels to me like an invitation to bring light to the deadly darkness of eating disorders. Also, vivid purple represents passion, inspiration and calmness, qualities that are critical for eating disorder recovery and for the continued process of awareness-raising and improving access and availability of services. 

EDAW is a time to speak up, remove the veils of secrecy and shame, and share stories of strength, hope and recovery. This is why the week is so incredibly important. My hope is that the momentum of EDAW spills over to the rest of the year until eating disorder recovery becomes the norm and not the exception.